My Brothers Keeper
by PoppyPotter
Summary: In dedication to the Sirius Black and James Potter friendship. How do you feel when the one person who understood you the best, who became your brother, leaves you to finish the war you started together on your own? Sirius POV.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N; This is something dedicated to the Sirius and James friendship- it was only supposed to be a one shot but somehow went in a completely different direction than I had planned. It will be about three chapters (I think) just about the famous friendship from Sirius' point of view. **

**Prologue**

Sirius sighed and stared around at the room; His childhood room; the room he had sought solace in from his family, the room he had covered in anything and everything that was different from _them_, the room that in those dark days of his adolescence, allowed him to maintain his identity with the walls that screamed Gryffindor, and the photos that showed that he had another family, a more important family based not on blood bonds but on friendship and love and loyalty.

In short the décor of his room succeeded in proving the one point that kept him sane; he was nothing like _them; _them beingthe pure blood maniacs that called themselves his family, with whom he had shared nothing with but blood and an occasional place of residence.

Standing there now, he noted how though the room looked very much the same as it had done all those years ago, there were changes; a thin layer of dust lay around room, the Gryffindor banners once bright and dominant, had faded, the gold and red merely shadows of what they had once been. _Just like you_ said a small voice in his head, and it was true, there was no denying it. He was no longer the man he had been, he had changed. Azkaban had changed him; James' death had changed him. He no longer smiled with ease, his face where once handsome, was now skeleton-like, his skin waxy- _faded._ He was only a shadow of the man he had once been; he could remember the time where laughter flowed from him throughout the day, where he burst with happiness and **life.** Where he could fight for what he believed in.

Fighting for what he believed in. That was what he wanted to do now more than anything else. He thought of the past; he had been in the thick of the action, someone who others relied on, someone who fought alongside his brothers, and now? Now he was stuck in the house that had haunted him in his childhood. He could not fight for what he believed in, he could not get revenge on those who had killed his loved ones and could not protect those loved one he had now.

He had failed as a man, as a friend, and as a godfather.

Had he not promised James that he would always fight for what he believed in, that he would not cower away in fear, not become like _them_? Had he not promised that he had known what he was doing when he made them change secret keeper, had he not held Lily's hands in his own and swore to her that her family would be safe? And perhaps most importantly, had he not promised that in the chance anything happened to them he would take responsibility for Harry, that he would love and care for him, that he would protect him at any cost?

But he had not fulfilled any of those promises- instead of fighting, he hid, his decision and their trust in him had led to their deaths, and while he could love Harry, he had not been there to protect, he had not been there when the teen had needed him most. Molly had been right.

The laughter from downstairs seeped through the floor as he paced the room a bottle of Ogdens finest clutched in his hand- sighing Sirius took a swig. He wanted so much to be happy, to join the merriment below, he knew he would regret standing here drinking himself into intoxication later, when they would all go back to Hogwarts, back to _living_, leaving him alone in a house cold and dark and full of haunting memories.

He was dreading that; them leaving and him staying in the house that he hated more than anything. He thought about how it would be, the same way it had been in the months leading up to Christmas; lonely, dark, suffocating.

And quite suddenly Sirius felt himself gripped by fear, he could feel it his chest, suffocating him and he hated it. He could not remember a fear like this, a fear that made him want to collapse on the ground. How would he survive? Locked in this prison, he would end up losing himself, no doubt. He would become mad. He would, he would… what would he do? Would he be able to stand the taunts of Snape, the fear for his godson, the lack of action- of anything?

He stared around the room; this place was in some ways worse than Azkaban; while there he might have had to listen animalistic cries, and relive his worst memories at least he had hope; hope that his innocence would be proved someday. Now however, there was no hope, there was nothing and although he was no longer forced to listen to the blood curling scream of Bellatrix Black, he had to endure the dark whisperings of his childhood; the ghosts of his past surrounding him, the scream of his mother, piercing his heart, and the door of his brothers room drawing his eyes.

_He was five and was pushed into a corner, his father's hand coming hard on to his face; it stung, he did not cry. Crying meant more pain, he knew that by now. He was seven and his father's footsteps were a death march as they neared his room. Nine now, and he watched his mother raise her hand on Reg, he stepped forward and with a feeling of bravery stopped her hand- he had paid for that. Reg closing the door on his face. He was twelve and he had just returned from his first year at Hogwarts, his mother's screams, his father's thundering voice, the push, the fall, the pain…_

He jumped; the sound of Molly Weasley screaming at one of the kids broke had broken his reverie and Sirius glanced down, surprised to see the bottle of Ogdens in his hand. Perhaps he would drink himself to sleep every night when they all went, maybe if he was drunk enough he would be able to forget. Maybe he would be able to delve into dreams and visit old friends, long gone but still alive in his memories rather than memories that were filled with horror.

Because he needed an escape, needed it as desperately as he needed air-he closed his eyes tight at that moment, praying to a God he did not believe in that he would be able to stay sane, stay whole for Harry. Just for Harry.

_So go downstairs_ said a voice _Go and be with him- live, make him believe everything's OK_

But he could not go back down there now and put on a smile and laugh and act as everything was ok when it wasn't, nothing was ok, nothing had been ok for nearly fifteen years, in short nothing had been OK since the day his best friend, his brother had been murdered. Nothing had been ok since that October and nothing would ever been ok for Sirius again.

He would be able to smile now and again, gain joy from watching Harry grow into a man. The fact that he was able to be part of his life was in itself more than he could have asked for but he would never regain true happiness, he would never be able to go back or bring back James and with James only lay his true happiness; before they had met his life had been suffocating, dark and filled with misery- he had been allowed to breath but not live, James had changed that, he had broken the cage and allowed Sirius to once and for all live; he had brought happiness, No, he had _been_ happiness.

He smiled even now just at the mention of his name; James Potter; Prongs- he had been more than just a friend and more than a brother, they had known each other better than they known themselves, in one's happiness lay the others and whilst they were not exactly the same, they still fit, they made up for each other's flaws, Lily had once gone as far to joke that Sirius was James real soul mate.

He looked at the picture on the wall of the four of them, and his eyes lingered on his best friends face, he smiled at the look of absolute bliss, there was no worries back then, it had taken him a while to get to this stage, to be able to look at picture of Prongs and smile, instead of turning away because of the unbearable pain- it was still there of course; the pain, the guilt but he was able to see past it now, to reach out for past memories and smile at the thought of the friend who had done so much for him.

_**Review?**_


	2. Chapter 2

**Proposals**

Sirius sat on the sofa, his legs on the table in front of him, an abandoned magazine on his stomach as he watched his best friend pull at his hair.

"I need to ask you something" James repeated for what Sirius thought was the millionth time. He was pacing; up down, up down. It was starting to make Sirius's head spin.

_"Can you stop that" _he asked through gritted teeth; James might have been his best friend but he had been speaking in riddles for the past half hour, alternating between standing up, sitting down, or pacing up and down (as he was doing now).

"I need to ..."

"Yes, yes I know Prongs you need to ask me something, now spit it out will you!"

James paused his pacing and merely stared at Sirius blankly before speaking. "iwantyoutomarryme"

_"What? _You sure you're not drugs Prongs? I mean, you're my best friend and all but you're not exactly my _type_ if you know what I mean…"

James shook his head standing up; "No! I mean I want to, I'm _going _to ask Lily to marry me" he took a deep breath and stared at Sirius, who quite honestly did not know what the hell to say. He had known this was coming of course, James loved Lily more than anything and Lily well, she'd finally fallen for the prat hadn't she?

He smiled at James; "Congratulations mate"

James smiled nervously and Sirius grinned; a nervous James Potter was something not everybody saw- to the world he was James Potter, arrogant, cocky, not scared of a thing but Sirius, like the other Marauders knew that though he was brave, with some things, especially things concerning Lily Evans James could become a nervous wreck.

James ran a hand through his hair before frowning; "Wait, that's it? '_Congratulations mate'_"

"You do terrible impersonations of me" mused Sirius as he picked up his magazine again; "I'm much more... _Debonair_"

"Sirius"

"What?"

"Can you for once, just once in your life actually be serious"

"Of course I am_ Sirius_, after all"

James scowled.

"Still not funny?" He scratched his chin thoughtfully; "you'd think that if my parents were going to give me a pun of a name they'd give me one that could lend a few jokes but no what do I get? Sirius"

James remained silent.

"Mind you my folks never did have any sense" he sighed dramatically; "never did they..."

"Sirius"

"What?"

James merely looked at him.

Sirius sighed theatrically; "what? Oh you want to talk about ways to propose to Lilylu? Though to be honest I don't know why you'd come to me. I thought we agreed you'd never ask me advice about her again after I told you to steal her cat and she sent you to the hospital wing"

James glared at him. "I've already decided how I'm going to do it."

"Great! Then what can I do for you my dear friend"

James shook his head; "I just...oh forget it" he said heading towards the door.

"Wait what? Forget what" Sirius stood up, concerned now for his friend.

"Nothing, nothing… don't worry about it" he said distractedly, before walking out of the room leaving behind a completely befuddled Sirius.

"What the..."

Shaking his head Sirius ran after his friend. "Hey wait up! Prongs!"

James turned, running a hand over his face. Sirius suddenly realised how much older he looked; older and wearier than he had been when they had been in school, a mere two months ago; "She's going to say yes, you know. You don't have to worry about that- she loves you"

James stared at him before nodding slowly; "and you're… ok with that?"

Sirius frowned; "Am I ok with that? What are you on drugs?" he asked again.

James sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "I just... You're my best friend right?"

Sirius nodded, staring at James in confusion; where was this going?

"Right" said James. "Look I know you hate all this right, all this soppy shit and I do too but you really are my best mate. We've been through ...shit together" he gave a nervous laugh and ran another hand through his hair, messing it up even more.

"Look mate- if I didn't know better I'd say you were proposing to me"

James gave half a smile; "I guess I just wanted to know if you were ok with it"

"Me? I'm not your mother. Shouldn't she be the one you're having this conversation with?" Asked Sirius raising an eyebrow.

"I love Lily ok, I do but ...' He growled in frustration. "Remember when we first got together"

Sirius smiled; "Yeah I hated her guts'

"Exactly!" Said James "You hated her and I hated those few months, you know, you leaving when she came in, all the fights" he shook his head. "I don't want that, not again"

Sirius stared; "I didn't hate her, not really"

James raised a disbelieving eyebrow and Sirius sighed; "I didn't trust her, she frigging hated you for so long and suddenly you were all buddies and you know how I am, paranoid as Moody sometimes" he smirked; "but I didn't hate her, I guess, I guess I was just testing her?" he shrugged; "I was an idiot but things are different now, Lily, Lily's like my sister."

James frowned; "So you're ok with..."

"Of course I'm bloody ok with it" he shook his head, his black hair falling into his eyes; "Now, come on, let's get a drink eh?"

James swallowed and nodded and the two friends made their way back into the flat. They spent most of the evening drinking firewhiskey, forgetting for a few blessed hours that they were teenagers stuck in the middle of war.

"You know, you're not going to be pushed out" James said, he wasn't looking at Sirius, instead staring at the wall in front of them, filled with pictures of the Hogwarts days.

Sirius cleared his throat; "I know"

"Really, I mean we're always going to be…brothers, no matter what happens and…"

Sirius nodded again; "I know Prongs and trust me I'll be around for lunch every Sunday"

James laughed; "Course you will"

They were silent for a few minutes before James spoke again; "We're all going to make it out of this damn war" he said defiantly, almost angrily and Sirius turned to look at him. Would they all make it of this war? No. He wanted them to but he wasn't like James; he couldn't believe so completely that they would all make it. How could they, the war was only just reaching it's peak and showed no sign of letting down, would they make it? Was it even possible?

He thought of a life without a bumbling Peter, a caring Lily, a geeky Remus…A life without James, laughing, joking, pranking James…

His chest constricted and he took a swig from the bottle in his hands; "Course we'll make it. All of us"

He didn't believe it but he needed it to be true because the alternative, the alternative was something he couldn't_, wouldn't_ think of…

**A/N; No idea what this is! I had no plan for it to turn out so…dark but there it is. Anyway, review and let me know what you think :D**

**I've decided to just make this fic, a series of one-shots of James and Sirius' friendship...I realise that i started this ages and ages ago and kind of forgot about it but now that i have an idea of what I want to do, updates should be coming!**


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